Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
His nipple licking is glorious
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