I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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