i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Your penis caused this!
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