I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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