I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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