what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
