He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
