What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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