not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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