my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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