John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
