Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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