bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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