His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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