i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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