Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
