dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
