I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
