My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
