the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
