at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
