Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
