If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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