just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
