I wanna bring you to show and tell
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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