Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
