I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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