apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
