all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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