i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Found the puke drawer
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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