I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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