i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
