4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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