I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
