Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
