I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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