end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
