she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
