Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
