I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
