remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
