He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
