I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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