Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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