If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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