i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
