My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
