and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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