i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
