tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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