After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
