look no pants
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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