the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
