Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
