I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
